Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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