I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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