I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
