It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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