Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
