You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
