I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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