I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
