i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
