I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
