I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Randomize
