peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
