If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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