Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
