Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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