i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
