hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
