I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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