Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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