we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
