i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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