Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
