Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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