dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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