Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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