and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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