i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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