I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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