this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
