when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
