She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
