I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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