see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
