Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
