Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
