I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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