My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
