I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
