my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
