I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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