I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
