Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
