Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
