I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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