Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
