Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
