why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
