he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
