I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
