Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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