if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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