Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
