I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
