Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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