So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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