areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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