I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
