I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
