meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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